“God… if You are real, don’t let me wake up anymore. Let me die, please.”
That was my hopeless and helpless plea, one empty night of October 2013.
I lost a stable job because of mistrusts. I lost the trust of all of my friends and I lost a long-term relationship because of lies after lies after lies. I lost the opportunity to finish my Master’s degree because I prioritised my desire to be “independent”. I lost the opportunity to continue my tennis career because I prioritised my desire to be somebody “successful and accomplished”.
I lost sight of the things I (physically, financially and emotionally) invested on in order to satisfy myself. The relationship I have with my family was also broken, and I burnt so many bridges thinking I don’t need to care so much for them. I tried to secure myself with relationships rooted on shallow talks and mere companionship. I was physically and emotionally tainted, and I felt dirty and defiled.
I had no one to turn to, and I lost sight of who I really was.
Usually, in trying times, I would just tell myself that I can do it, that it only takes a positive mind to change things or that handwork and determination can surpass bad circumstances. But I could not tell any of those things to myself that time. I was lost, desperate, depressed and wretched. And it was my own doing, all of it.
“There’s no point in living.”
But God did not let me die. So waking up the next morning got me so frustrated.
I was lying in my bed for days, alone in a condominium I have been renting for all the wrong reasons. My restlessness and anxiousness made me decide to go to this one person, hoping he could help me. I went to his home, knelt down on my knees desperately begged him to forgive, accept and help me. But he did not. He also wanted me out of his life.
He brought me to a local church that his sister attends to. He left me alone, right there in front of the main entrance. The moment somebody opened the door for me, I cried in anguish. They asked, “Why are you crying? What happened?” I did not personally know them nor did they personally know me too, but they lovingly welcomed me inside their home. They offered me a seat and told me to wait for their pastor.
When the pastor came in, he asked, “What happened?”. And I told him everything that had happened to me – the bad, the ugly, the sickening. I was crying in pain and distress. I told him that I do not know what to do anymore, that I do not know where to start and how to begin again.
And this is what he told me:
“Trudy, you’ve been driving your life for a long time. You are tired, hopeless and you are running out of gasoline. Would you like to consider Jesus Christ as the driver of your life? He promised us that if it is He who drives our lives, we won’t get tired, hopeless and we will never run out of gasoline. He loves you and He is willing to accept you. He is just waiting for you to surrender your life to Him including your past, your sins and your mistakes. Would you like to consider Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal Saviour?”
I still remember how I genuinely and desperately said Yes.
On October 7, 2013, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. I acknowledged all my sins, guilt and shame before Him, I thanked Him for His life, death and resurrection in order to redeem me, and I committed my life to Him since then.
Today, as I look back, that day and decision changed my life forever. Religion did not save me nor my “good” deeds. Jesus saved me, and He changed my life forever.
The job I lost was replaced after three months of patiently waiting and praying. God changed my career path to something I am truly thankful for until today. I just prayed for new friendships, but God directed me to a Church family who would encourage me to grow deeper in the love of Christ. At the same time, He restored my broken relationships through forgiveness.
God healed my brokenness as well. He secured me with His love and promises. He also restored my relationship with my mom and sister. We now serve the Lord together. God also provided incredible ways so that I could get to study and be on-court again.
God purified me as well – physically, emotionally and spiritually. He promised me that I am now a new creation – the old has gone, the new has come. He assured me and promised me of the eternal life that I now have because of His one and only Son Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is now my point in living.
God is now making use of my past experiences as ways to reach out, to share who Jesus Christ is, and to minister to people today. He has used (and is still using) so many people in my life!
I still face challenges, but God has promised me that I won’t ever have to face it alone because He is faithful – He will not leave me nor forsake me. God is still pruning me in so many aspects, proving that He is still not done with me yet.
This life I have today? It is all from Him, restored by Him, through Him, for Him and with Him. To God be the glory!
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.
The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.